I never made it to the Ted Nugent concert in Fort Worth, thanks to the underwhelming support of my "friends," but my man Colin and I had the foresight to buy tickets to a Jurassic 5 concert recently, and so, on July 31, I experienced (for the first time) a rap show that didn't feature Grits as the headliner. Now that my hearing is back to about 90%, I thought I'd provide a sort of review.
So, going to the J5 show...Wow, I'm a white guy going to a rap show! Aren't I unique? My counter-racial taste in music amuses me. Who but myself and Colin would pay money to see a concert of traditionally black music? I wonder if there will be any other white people there? Maybe a few. Well, probably more than a couple, since J5 is not exactly a crunk group, but leans toward organic-sounding beats and old-school rhymes. Man, there will probably be more whites than the ideal, which is zero, but should still be a good time.
Uh-oh, there are a lot of white people in this line. My goodness! Is this how the show's going to be? I wanted to get away from these people. Well, maybe things will improve inside. Yes, I'm sure that all the African-Americans are just inside enjoying the air conditioning.
Hmm...there are a lotta honkies up in this Tea Room. What's the deal? I guess more whiteys than I thought like J5. Well, it's kinda dark in here, and I can't see the whole room. Maybe all us crackers are culturally inclined to stand around near the stage while waiting for a show to start.
Hello, X-Clan. Since all opening acts suck, I'll stand here politely and endure your show. You can't be any good, so don't expect any enthusiasm from me. Well...that is a nice bass line, I guess. Ya know, now that I think about it, I think I kinda dig this beat...could X-Clan be a good opening act? Ah, I see you've put your friend on the payroll, and his job is to wave an African flag on stage and dance around while you rap. I'd like to think I'd pay one of my untalented friends to do something on stage if I ever made it big. Who am I kidding, I just hope one of my talented friends pays me to do something easy when they're famous. Sure, I'll get my hand up. I remember Aaron Mueller doing this right-hand-wave-to-the-beat thing at a dcTalk concert years ago. I guess it was a phenomenon. Boy, he sure was way more in tune with urban culture than I was in high school. I'm jealous. Oh well, I'm waving my hand now. What? Did X-Clan's Grand Verbalizer just diss the "Laffy Taffy" song? Yes! I'm a fan! I'm a fan! Good times, now!
Oh, shoot, I failed to wave my hands in the air. Grand Verbalizer asked for it, but I hesitated. That was probably the one and only opportunity I will have in this life to throw my hands in the air and wave 'em I like just don't care. Oh, well, maybe another will arise.
Feet hurting...ears already ringing...tired of waiting for J5 to take the stage...
Jurassic 5! I can't believe I'm seeing these guys live! Their voices sound like they do on the album! Oh my gosh!!! Dakir! Marc 7! DJ Numark! Those other guys whose names I can't remember!
Let me look behind me to see what the crowd looks like. Wow, overwhelmingly white. So my taste in rap falls right in line with my race. Dang! But, but, there are some black people here, right? Please? Hey, there's one right behind me. I should say hi, develop some kind of rapport. Concerts bring out the extrovert in me. Wait, wait, I've just thought about talking to a man based on the color of his skin. Does that make me racist, albeit a sort of twisted, reverse racist? I want to say hi so I can feel like I know the only black guy here, and that will somehow make me cool? Uh, just going to stick to looking over a Colin when a witty rhyme or a familiar groove is heard. Yeah. "Got people screamin' 'Free Mumia Jamal!', but two outta three of ya'll will prolly be at the mall!" That's right, Chali 2Na (think: Charlie Tuna), you tell 'em! Rap in that cool bass voice.
Wait, everyone is cheering for Chali. Is he the crowd favorite? Can I have the same favorite member of the group as the rest of these African-wannabe crackas? But I enjoy Mr. 2Na because he's also in Ozo Motley, and for his rhyme patterns and enunciation. But...but...well, I tell you what, white kids, the other members of this group are just as good as Chali, and I'm not going to cheer for him and make the others feel bad.Oh, here we go bouncing our hands to the beat again. Kinda cool, but I gotta make sure I keep it up there just a little longer than everyone else, to show that I'm really "down" with the music and not just doing it because a member of J5 asked us to do it again for about the 20th time. But this music is really good! And they have great stage presence! And unlike other rap acts I've seen live on TV, these guys don't suck! They rhyme on time. The DJ is talented. They sound good! I just wish they sounded about 100 decibels instead of 125.
Well, that was fun. Back to the car. What's that you say, Colin? Jurassic 5 is the spit? You'll have to speak a little louder until my head decompresses and the tuning fork in my ear stops playing that A. Good times, brother!
